NON-VERBAL ARGUMENTS:

Closing The Door on Shouting Matches

It’s most commonly referred to as being passive-aggressive; the funny thing is, I seem to be the only one who thinks it can be a good thing. Every video I’ve searched puts this type of communication in a negative light, as something that requires open communication to overcome, while I see it in my marriage as a saving grace; a means for our extremely opposite views on every little thing, (not the important things, like faith, but the little things, like the best ways to do things, our taste in entertainment choice, and even our thought processes, like I feel readied to talk about something as soon as the subject is raised, while he is still in need of more time to ponder it, and I remember how things went in conversation, while he seems to get it all mixed up!)

There are plenty of videos about body language in marriage, but nothing on doing things to change something your spouse has put into place and that being a better means of communication than talking, at least with those little things that always end up in an argument that goes nowhere. For example, rather than tell him that putting his hair brush on the bathroom counter bothers me, I just move it to the top of the radiator to get it out of the way, and then he puts it back there and I move it again and on and on. In most instances, there is no solving the disagreement, and nothing will make him think I’m right and nothing will make me think he’s right, but at least it keeps us from arguing about something so stupid that it is utterly ridiculous! This type of communication lets him know my position and me, his through non-verbal communication. And these little disparities have no real need to be solved, but managed, at least to me anyway!

I am hoping that I’m not the only one though for one reason, and that’s because I would like for this writing to help someone…..

Communication in marriage is said to be of the upmost importance and value, and this cannot be disparaged in any sort of legitimate sense. However, satisfying communication can become seemingly impossible with some couples. Marriage is all about being one with your spouse through intimacy, mindsets, and companionship, and with a little blessing sprinkled in, a romantic rendezvous that never ends….

But, as anyone who is married can tell you, this is a far cry from the reality of most marriages, as when two people try to dwell as one as in the way they think, especially considering the fact that opposite sexes can see the world as though they are living on two different planets, common sense should tell us that we should expect a reasonable amount of head-butting.

What helped me to see and accept the fact that it’s a waste of time and tears to try to change my husband’s mind, was 25 years of living with him, and not being able to put even the smallest dent in a communication pattern I couldn’t deny. In fact, it appears that the more I say on any given subject in which he disagrees, the more he seems to have to say. Therefore, the wisest thing for me to do is to decide preemptively to not argue, but just say what I think and leave it at that. That way, he may think about it. And I’ve found that if I keep talking to make my point, he is less likely to change his stance.

Okay, so now things stay much more quiet, and that even helps me too because it gives me a chance to seek the Lord and my own heart as to how I need to go forward. “Is this something that needs serious communication or something that we should already know talking isn’t going to get anywhere, no matter how long we discuss it? Does it make more sense to just embrace our different ways of thinking? As long as it’s not something that requires our attention, why waste the time and energy arguing?

Of course, it really does depend on what the argument is all about…..

And there are other things that we can do, like agree as much as possible, maintain respect no matter what, and when wanting to discuss something of importance, approach with care and consideration and with regard to perfect timing.

Take my marriage for example, we still stand on our point and make our little remarks, but we don’t allow ourselves to continue in the progression of that way of dealing with our squabbles because we know that after we’ve said our peace, there’s not much more to say other than to simply agree to disagree. And we can get to that end result much sooner if we realize that early on in the disagreement. Of course, there are those times when we can reach a mutual understanding quite quickly, but that’s a rarity, and if that doesn’t happen quickly, well, it’s just simply is not going to happen.

Now, when I don’t like something he’s doing, I just try to override it; to give him the subtle message that I don’t like it, in the hopes he will succumb to my way and forfeit his. The funny thing is, this tactic doesn’t always change things. I think his thoughts go like, ‘Well, if she isn’t going to say anything, she can’t be that upset, and if she’s not that upset I’m gonna continue doing what I want!’ And, there are those times when he just comes out and says “Why do you keep moving my……..?” but hey, it worked for a little while.

Because, even with this tactic failing, there is good that comes out of it. We understand what one another wants in this silent, but somewhat powerful communication, that could cause us to think, or perhaps even make an appropriate change at some point, therefore, I have concluded that it’s far more productive than shouting in anger.

Silence may seem to the casual observer like giving up, not paying enough attention or not caring enough about the relationship, when in all reality, at times, it can prove far more productive than talking, as strange as that may seem. And, when we, as believers, dwell in silence with God for His Response, we are developing patience, because rather than choosing to vent our emotions through yelling and screaming, we choose to slow down, put a lid on our emotions and regroup, which is likened to the very definition of patience.

Married couples, if they are paying attention, can see things in one another that are important to them without saying a single word, just by noting the other’s routines, habits and preferences.

I do have one example of a non-verbal argument that was quite successful back when our kids were little. I got tired of arguing with my husband about his hijacking our kids' school snacks. This was due to the fact that years ago he was what they call a non-compliant diabetic. And, with our kids being in school and needing snacks for their lunch boxes, sometimes I would go to get them and the box would be empty or almost empty. I ended up hiding them under our bed! This approach actually did help quite a bit, as my husband will eat what’s readily available, but will not go so far as to hunt down those naughty treats.

In conclusion, non-verbal squabbles may at least get the message across without going to blows. Being passive-aggressive in marriage doesn’t have to be completely dysfunctional, it’s really more like a comical, somewhat helpful point to come to for those couples who have closed the door on shouting matches, that led to the silent treatment, that led to making up, until the next disagreement, only to go another round, again and again…..like a rollercoaster ride that both are dying to get off of!

Am I correct in saying, I guess that’s why most knock-down-drag-out fights happen in the homes of young couples……….?! I do think so, but I can’t prove that either…….I just looked it up, and YouTube doesn’t have a video on this topic either!

BUT THIS ONE COMES CLOSEST TO CONFIRMING MY OVERALL POINT—

Oh LORD, Please help us to always prioritize peace and live together in beautiful, quiet harmony…….AMEN!